The chat from yesterday’s self-care talk is SO telling about how we as women view ourselves and our worth.
This was the scenario I gave:
It’s 2pm, you’re a mother who hasn’t eaten all day, your kids are fighting, your husband is asking for lunch and your mother is calling about something important that she needs help with.
What do you do?
I got answers saying that you let your family/husband know you need 10 minutes – you take a break, get grounded and go back to serving.
What???
You haven’t eaten anything the whole day!! It’s 2pm – your husband is asking for lunch!
Why do we treat our men like infants??
Why can’t we see them as able adults who can and should care for us???
Ladies!!! We need to stop raising boy-men!!! And start raising qawwaaamun!!
Why do we understand ‘qawwamun’ as “masters” and not as supporters, caretakers and leaders (according to the Sunnah understanding of leadership! I need to point that out because of the baggage…).
What you need to do:
1. Stop the kids from fighting/hurting themselves – give them a screen if you must!
2. Ask husband to help.
3.If he’s working [from home] and can’t, let him know you haven’t eaten all day and you need to get something to eat first and you’ll take care of him after.
4. Let your mother know that you will call back asap.
Get something to eat!!!
But why is it that we are the last priority? This is totally against fiqh! Fiqh teaches us to do that which is the most urgent and important. That means taking care of fighting kids and then yourself.
When you consistently ignore yourself, it builds resentment and leads to blowing up – like a pressure cooker without enough water.
So you may think – and may have been taught – this is “sacrifice” and praiseworthy, but in reality – you are depriving your household of sakeenah.
What happens when the overwhelm hits you day in and day out and you blow up? This is not sacrifice for family, it’s foolishness for not taking care of your needs and pushing yourself over the limit – which leads to fighting/screaming/yelling and lack of sakeenah/tranquility in the home.
This is not a gift for your home, but a curse.
What’s the solution?
I would love to tell you just listen to the talk or read a book, (btw, get the Self-care or selfishness talk recording here.) but that’s not how we work.
When we have deeply-ingrained beliefs – we can only get rid of them through time and work.
Through continuous reminders and companionship – that is Revival.
Week in and week out of reminding ourselves of the true Sunnahs of the home, the Sunnahs of the Prophet ﷺ and his family, along with coaching excercises to help us implement them practically.
It will be life-changing. It’s a program all striving women need.
May Allah give us tawfeeq to re-program ourselves according to the Sunnah – and in that we will thrive beyond our imagination.
